Cooler Than The Cat

And then she was a grown-up girl

2010-12-13T21:50:00.012-05:00

You may have heard the crickets a-chirpin' round these parts lately. I haven't felt comfortable writing about my life in any kind of detail. Too much has been bouncing around me brain-pan. Most of it too personal to share here.

And, now that my sweet girl is 5 and a half, I don't feel comfortable writing about her, either. She's a pretty big kid now, and I think she might not want me to be writing about her at this point in her life without the permission of her adult self (who, to my amazement, I see emerging in greater detail each + every day).

So I am signing off here. I may write somewhere else, because I think it might be helpful... for me, and maybe even for others. But I think it's time to retire Cooler Than The Cat.

It's been fun, exhausting, stressful, enlightening, freeing, maddening, embarrassing, and emboldening to occupy this space for the past 5.5 years. Thanks so much for watching me start to grow up. I really like who I'm becoming.

Love to all!

With gratitude, for all the good things

2010-11-23T16:20:00.002-05:00

Stillness

2010-11-11T12:31:00.005-05:00

From Tyler Knott's blog:

It’s in the stillness that we learn the most about this world. There is more truth about the whys, the whats and the hows in 10 minutes of enough perfect stillness where you can actually see mosquitoes play than there is in 10 hours of asking those questions.

Halloween

2010-11-03T21:11:00.012-04:00

A few of Halloween + the day before: Pumpkin carving at Tammy's farm with her family + mine, working at the Morristown Farmer's Market in costume, and just a few from trick or treating as we followed Leah down the street... she was super-fast + had a blast! Until she decided she'd had enough.

Last night she got to pick out 5 (for her age) pieces of candy + put the rest in a bag under her bed for the Great Pumpkin to take -- in exchange for a little present. Big. Hit.

Blustery morning

2010-10-15T16:17:00.002-04:00

Good thing I could find her a pink scarf, eh?

Rainy Monday at the bus stop

2010-09-28T11:47:00.000-04:00

My heart hurts

2010-09-20T08:48:00.002-04:00

Here it is, a Monday morning, and I am without my girl. For the past 5+ years, this has been our day to reconnect after a weekend. A day all to ourselves. And now, she is probably arriving at school, where she will line up with her classmates, march into her classroom, and start her day with people I hardly know.

I love that she is growing + blooming. Moving into her own space, at the right time. But oh, it hurts not to have this time with her any longer!

Give Love

2010-09-14T12:03:00.007-04:00

This morning at the bus stop

2010-09-13T08:46:00.000-04:00

Kindergarten today... college tomorrow!

2010-09-09T13:51:00.006-04:00

The girl is officially a kindergartner as of Tuesday this week! She had a fabulous first day at school and at the small aftercare she attends with some of her besties. Or at least I think she did, judging by the squeals of delight + bouncing off the sky she was doing when I saw her that evening. She was so cool, so happy, so ready to be in her new classroom. She didn't even turn around as I kissed her on the cheek + said goodbye. That's my girl!

We dropped her off a tad late, so there are no photos of that morning, and she was too blurry to catch later on. But that's okay. It helps my heart a little to realize that really, it was a day much like any other... not a momentous mountain of an event. She was ready + it happened. And now "real" school begins...

However, here are some shots from our trip to MA a few weeks ago. It feels so long ago now that the weather is crisper + new routines are in the works. I am thankful for the time we had to catch up with everyone.

And and AND! My brother is now in China for 10 months, teaching conversational English at a university in Yuncheng! Such an amazing endeavor... I am beyond proud of him + so excited to hear about his experience + how he grows.

Happy almost-Fall!

Cousins

2 princesses + a toad

Farm dinner

No, Jack, the beer is not for you!

Fun with Uncle Dave

My sister + her beau

Learning words on my mom's deck

Gram love

How to find me

2010-08-17T17:56:00.002-04:00

Someone found my blog today while searching for cat was in the cooler for 2 days.

Huh.

Well, I am always looking for new recipes... ;)

How to be alone

2010-08-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

This is pretty great. And so easy to forget!

Ahh, voice of reason!

2010-08-10T16:34:00.001-04:00

I never thought I'd be embedding a video from Fox News, but here ya go! An excellent interview with Ted Olsen (argued against Prop 8, alongside David Boies). Clear + simple.

Friday at the farm

2010-08-08T11:18:00.000-04:00

Last weekend in July

2010-08-05T10:50:00.063-04:00

Last weekend I took off with T for a treatment-free beekeeping conference at the tip-top of central Mass. The weather was gorgeous (perfect for the tent-dwelling we did at night), the bee people were lovely, and I got to cram my head full of fascinating bee-facts + ideas.

Although a bit disorienting to be in a place where I didn't feel I completely belonged, I felt the freedom in that. Not supposed to be there, not being expected to do anything, really, other than what felt right. And while I didn't always do that, I felt my way into it + started paying more attention to myself; recognizing myself in each of the other people there, and they in me.

We stopped for a quick visit at my sister Em's house on the way back to NJ, so she + her fam could finally meet T. Sitting in the back near her garden, we were treated to chocolate chip sand cookies made by my sweet niece + nephew.

Meanwhile, Leah + her dad spent a fun weekend on the tip-top of Long Island with his aunt + uncle, which included the beach, pool, a boat, ice cream, and a fabulous new hat (for Leah).

I'm at work now, in the middle of my last day here this week, but all I can think about is being outside in beautiful Massachusetts + filling my head with more learnin'!

Spied floating above the conference spot. Amazing, no?


Hamptons girl

Canning salsa the day after we returned

First house guests!

2010-07-15T11:55:00.005-04:00

Almost 2 weeks ago my mom + sister came for a weekend visit and proved that my apartment is not too small for visitors! Here are a few photos from my sister Biff's camera... in my home and at my girlfriend's amazing farm. I'm so glad they were able to see us in our natural habitat. ;)

Eating beet greens!

On my front steps

Wearing a kohlrabi leaf hat at Tammy's farm

The start of the sunflower house at the farm

Decorating the farm's blackboard

Sleeping bean

2010-07-13T13:44:00.002-04:00

I find that I just don't have words for the outside world that sum up where I am right now. Most things are good. Some are incredible. A few are really hard + like to dominate at times. But Leah is my constant reminder of why I need to push through the hard + create more of the good + incredible. Oh, and get more sleep!

Home

2010-07-06T15:56:00.000-04:00

As I contemplate the idea of home...

(by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros)

Let Go

2010-06-15T12:26:00.011-04:00

Trying to...

My baby is FIVE!

2010-06-03T11:01:00.002-04:00

"Mom, I'm a ballerina!"

2010-05-27T11:23:00.008-04:00

My almost-5-year-old (three more days!)

I may have gone overboard with the pink...

2010-05-18T15:54:00.011-04:00

... but she loves it so! (Drinking tea out of one of my Gram's fancy glasses. She eagerly helped unwrap a set of them from a long-neglected suitcase. And then went on a "cruise" inside the suitcase afterwards.)

This weekend's move had good flow. Which is not to say it was free of sadness or uncomfortability. But it flowed well... love + kindness + gentleness + strength allowed us all to get through it. And now Leah has a Pepto Bismol-ish 2nd bedroom in my first-ever very own apartment. I feel a bit hesitant to be fully happy about it, but oh, I am so very happy! I can feel myself filling it out to its edges. And beyond. I'm so excited to see how life continues to transpire!

Thanks for all your love + well wishes! They've carried me on a soft cloud that make the hard times seem less so.

I still need to acquire things like furniture + lighting + oh, the internet. But I'm having fun eating dinner by candlelight with fewer distractions.

What is your most important relationship?

2010-05-13T11:50:00.006-04:00

This popped up on one of my favorite morning internet visits. It's a great reminder, especially now, as I move into a new phase of my life + seek a new relationship with myself and everyone around me.

Prioritize your life by making this the essential and foremost responsibility you have. Your primary relationship needs to be with yourself, not your family, business, country, culture, or ethnicity.

Affirm: The number one priority in my life is my relationship with my Source of being. Go there first, before any other considerations, and you'll automatically discontinue demanding more of anything else. You'll begin to emulate the Tao effortlessly, living heaven on earth.

- From Dr. Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

File under: "Things I Rarely Hear"

2010-05-12T23:07:00.006-04:00

"Mom, you were right!"

(Said after she opened the car door to find that it was, in fact, raining, and she might need to put on her jacket.)

Lawn sprite

2010-05-02T10:29:00.011-04:00

Ohh, what gorgeous weather this weekend!

Rob has been away on business all week... in Omaha + then Phoenix, so it's been just the girl + I, with Tammy joining us occasionally. I have loved, loved, loved reconnecting with Leah and feeling free to take up more space here.

It's been an excellent transition to the next change in our lives... me moving to a little apartment in a house the next town over (Maplewood) in a few weeks. Each little step feels like a graduation from what's come before to the better things that keep happening. This is a bigger step, but it feels right, with all of us making the shift together.

Happy May!

Farm girl

2010-04-27T07:55:00.009-04:00

On Saturday, Tammy + I took the girl to see where milk comes from... at the beautiful Havenwood Farms in Newton, NJ. Where we also got an eye- (and
hand-) full of chickens and goats. Leah had a blast! Such a fun day.

Oops... from Easter

2010-04-22T11:11:00.001-04:00

Yes, we did celebrate Easter + the coming of spring . The day started out with an Easter basket hunt and breakfast that included chocolate bunny's ears. Next up: an egg hunt with our friends at a neighborhood playground, then hours of play (for Leah + Rob) back in the hood while I had brunch with Tammy + her family. It was a beautiful day.

And no, that is not our puppy down below! But so ridiculously adorable!

Uninformed on purpose?

2010-04-15T10:44:00.010-04:00

An excellent rant by Jay Smooth about one of my, and his "pet peeves, people who say oh I never pay attention to politics because I know it doesn’t matter, the whole system is rigged, every politician is the same, yadda yadda yadda.”

I wish I had the transcript, because his words are ones to remember! My faves (the ones I could catch):

"I don't judge people for being ignorant, but I do judge people for being arrogant about their ignorance."

and

"Don't try to pretend that you're uninformed about politics on purpose as a political statement."

Powerful beyond measure

2010-04-13T11:09:00.008-04:00

I feel like I've posted this before, but I came across these words again this morning + had to put them somewhere because they resonate so fully with me in this moment:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

— Marianne Williamson

Spring cleaning

2010-04-12T21:56:00.006-04:00

Today was a great day.

Yesterday = not so great for me on a personal level. I witnessed myself becoming quiet, withdrawn... afraid to express who I am... feeling unworthy of my own desires, thoughts, feelings. Feeling so much pain + guilt + hopelessness. Feeling trapped.

A few months ago I'd never felt stronger, more me. And then that oh-yeah-everybody-I'm-gay-and-getting-divorced thing happened. I wasn't able to pay much attention to that strong woman I'd become, and took up (helpful at the time) coping behaviors that have run their (helpful) course + need to be kicked outta bed!

After recognizing what had been going on for me yeterday, I feel a huge veil has been parted for me, and I can see myself clearly for the first time in months. Today I felt conscious + alive; not ashamed or guilty or afraid. Today's theme was music, dancing, sunlight, play with Leah, good boundaries w/ her + myself, (good, simple) food shopping, plant + seed shopping, digging in my dirt, clearing things out, choosing to be present + keep moving. (I LOVE to keep moving!)

What a tremendous relief.

I'm not expecting everything to be perfect from here on out, but it's such a GREAT reminder of who I want to be, and who I already am! So yeah, as much as it was + may be hard going forward for me, I am GRATEFUL for it. For the reminder that when pain comes, it's good to PAY ATTENTION TO IT, understand it, and do your very best to move through it.

Before school this morning

2010-04-07T16:53:00.000-04:00

3 adults, 1 child

2010-03-31T16:46:00.020-04:00

Tammy, Rob, Leah + I went to the American Museum of Natural History in NYC this past Saturday. It was our first outing all together, and we survived to tell the tale!

I apologize for the sorry state of the pictures... they're pretty bad, but you (may) get the general idea. The best part, for me, was the Butterfly Conservatory, where Leah spied a hatching luna moth and pulled me + Tammy over to watch. It was amazing to witness it tearing its way out of its cocoon.

We watched Journey to the Stars in the planetarium, where Leah whispered loudly about universes. And we sat in front of Cerie from 30 Rock. Woo!

Here is Leah in the "dinosaur bones" room. I think it's hilarious that she has fossil antennas.

Examining the fish species in the Hall of Biodiversity:

On a half shell:

I admit I was more than a little uncomfortable, feeling the effects of PMS + wanting all of us to be happy, but not knowing how to be in the same space with Rob + Tammy. But everyone else had a good time, and I'm glad we did it.

Onwards...

Shift happens

2010-03-26T21:28:00.022-04:00

Although we returned from Massachusetts 5 long days ago, I am just now finding the time to use my brain AND fingers to type up a little something about our time there.

Leah + I made the trip up last Friday morn with my brother Dave, who'd spent the previous 5 days in D.C., camping out with Peace of the Action. (Go, Dave!)

The rest of the weekend was spent with him, my mom, sisters, sister's husband + their 2 little ones. The cousins had a blast, playing like puppies... starting right where they left off with each other. I love seeing how they can do that!

I spent the weekend catching up, meeting my sister's new beau, eating yum food. I heard lots of loving + supportive things from everyone and participated in real, honest conversations. A new thing! Not all of the conversation was comfortable, but I'm thankful for all of it, because something new was going on with me: I'd stopped hiding.

I've been trying to get away from my family since I became a teenager (maybe earlier). And now, finally, I feel like I don't need to. It may seem like a simple + obvious thing, but to me it's a fucking revelation.

As for that sadness that seemed ever-present, always in the background? Gone. It still visits from time to time, but it's no longer a constant fixture. It's like I was given permission to live my life + not have to apologize for it. Did I get that acceptance from my family? From myself? I'm not sure it matters, because the shift happened + it's changed me. I can feel the anger I've carried around within myself for so many years slowly seeping away.

I have a pretty kick-ass family. Really, they are the best! I couldn't see this while I was in hiding. I'm looking forward to getting to know them better.   Oh, and gaining weight. I found a scale at my mom's, and I weighed in at 100. Yikes!

The Extraordinary Adventures of Adèle Blanc-Sec

2010-03-17T14:54:00.005-04:00

Another gorgeous-looking movie I want to put in front of my eyeballs!

"Adèle Blanc-Sec is a cynical novelist of popular fiction, who turns to investigative journalism as her research and subsequent adventures reveal further details of the mystical world of crime in Paris during the years before and after World War I. "

How things are

2010-03-15T16:23:00.008-04:00

It is hard for me to write about here, this current life of ours.

Writing about my gayness + impending divorce is such a huge, personal thing to put out there. I want to be honest, but I don't want to expose too much.

In a nutshell: we are all growing + living + loving well. Better than expected, actually. I am pretty damn proud of all of us. There are no immediate plans to change anything beyond the hope to search for my own down-the-street apartment in the fall. Living together has been good for us, in that it forces us to move slowly. So thank you, crappy housing market! But I can see that having separate residences will be even better for all of us, once the cost of daycare goes away at the end of the summer.

Rob seems to be doing much better these days... getting back into the things he loves to do, spending lots of time with friends, with Leah, himself. And we make sure to spend time with each other to reconnect; making steady progress in solidifying our new relationship. Stepping back from each other after 16 years together is crazy hard, but also (and surprisingly) not as hard as we expected. I think we're mostly there already. It does, however, take constant checking in with each other so we feel anchored as we move forward.

Leah is growing + learning at her usual ridiculously-fast pace. This morning I brought a bag of spring clothes home from the consignment shop around the corner, and she sorted through each item, making comments so descriptive that the reality of her growing up so so quickly slapped me in the face. Yet again!

Me, I always feel sadness. Sometimes it's front + center; other times it sits more in the background while I get to experience hope, happiness, joy, love, anger, frustration, resignation, despair, peace... Feeling the full range of my feelings is new for me. Crazy!

After the initial relief that came with finally coming out, I retreated back into myself for a while... feeling so new + raw + exposed. Protective of myself. Now I'm beginning to reach out. I started going to a women's coming-out support group in the city (such relief to find people like me, finally!) + I'm talking more to the friends who are supportive. This weekend I'll see some of my family for the first time since I told them what's going on, which both terrifies + comforts me. Aaaaahh!

Life with Tammy continues to fill me with amazement. Every day I find myself learning, loving, and growing in ways I never expected. And finally understanding what all those sappy love songs are about. ;) Leah loves spending time with her, and we've all (yes, even Rob) had dinner together a few times. I am so thankful for the goodness we have together, all of us.

So that's how things are today. Mostly good, with some expected challenges sprinkled in. You know, like life! Most of the time I can see that the path we're on is true. It finally (yes!) feels right to me. I can't wait to see how spring + summer unfold...

To brighten your day!

2010-03-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

I want to live in this picture (for a while, anyway)

2010-03-04T10:15:00.001-05:00

This is bringing me peace

2010-03-03T10:48:00.004-05:00

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.” -Buddha-

Buddha in Halves BW (via Tyler Knott Flickr)

My fingers are stained purple

2010-03-01T22:15:00.002-05:00

From the blueberries we dropped into the blender to make smoothies.
My mind is imprinted with the image of her wide grin + small excited body moving about the kitchen to help me.
My heart is full of the sweetness that she is.

Roger Ebert on life

2010-03-01T11:29:00.006-05:00

I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.
Read the rest of the (really excellent) article in Esquire Magazine here.

Things she says

2010-02-27T11:06:00.002-05:00

Mom, when am I going to be a grownup?

Can you please check the calendar to see when I am going to be a grownup on?

:D

Snow day!

2010-02-27T09:09:00.001-05:00

The girl + I were planning on visiting my family in Massachusetts this weekend, but instead we got buried under piles of snow. So we got to play! (And reschedule our visit for the first weekend of SPRING.)

International Food Day

2010-02-27T09:03:00.003-05:00

... at Leah's school on Wednesday.

House in the house

2010-02-24T11:08:00.006-05:00

Leah's new cardboard house + markers + crayons = hours of fun + creativity! It lives in our living room, and has contained cats, friends, and her parents.

Painting + ice skating

2010-02-16T12:30:00.005-05:00

From the long (President's Day) weekend: finger painting (hand, really!) at Tammy's and ice skating.

There are no pictures on the ice, as it took all my arms (and legs) to keep the girl upright. So here she is with skates on for the first time, and then watching the super-cool zamboni with her friend Jessica.

Me + my valentine

2010-02-14T10:41:00.003-05:00

Food is our medicine!

2010-02-10T10:47:00.002-05:00

Tickling the plastic

2010-02-08T20:18:00.002-05:00

Written AND directed by Leah.

She wants to be "an architect named Layla"

2010-01-31T11:08:00.002-05:00

Picnic rules

2010-01-22T12:57:00.004-05:00

Leah + I were talking about having a picnic lunch today. She said it was a good idea to have it inside because:

"Rule number one: no having jackets on for picnics."

From the weekend

2010-01-19T19:46:00.012-05:00

... at a playground found on a walk after attending the Slow Food market over in Morris County on Saturday. Leah examined fat (live) chickens, bought herself a honey stick + scored a bag of sweet, sweet apples (now gone).

Regina Spektor: Eet

2010-01-16T21:29:00.001-05:00

Upside down + in a cave

2010-01-16T21:09:00.004-05:00

Something funny happens when you're going through hard shit in your life: life keeps going. (Surprise!) Both comforting + disorienting.

I've been hiding out, away from most of the people who love me. Thanks to feeling a huge amount of guilt, and avoidance of what I might feel as judgment. And, probably, because I do need to spend some time taking good care of myself.

Before we told people what's going on in our lives, there was this nice protective bubble around us 'cause no one really knew. I felt so strong + centered + grounded. And now, I feel totally exposed + vulnerable, trying to navigate a life in flux while dealing with people dealing with themselves dealing with this.

So... back to the breathing... trying to find my own space... being kind to myself the way I try to be to you + you + you...

Some of yesterday's wardrobe changes

2010-01-05T17:50:00.004-05:00

"Take my picture, Mom!" One after breakfast, and one before dinner.

She's fond of posing with my little tree.

Love + revelation

2010-01-04T17:01:00.007-05:00

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"
- Mary Oliver

This is in the front of a beautiful book of poetry my girlfriend gave me for Christmas. Um, yes, I did say girlfriend.

Let me back up a little for those of you I don't talk to on a regular basis. Or anyone I haven't felt comfortable being honest with... oh, wait that's most of us, including myself...

A few years ago - probably before Leah was born - I would have thought that yes, of course, I was living a full life, not "breathing just a little." I sought out + pursued what I thought were my passions. Sure, I was attracted to women, but thought that was just a small part of me, and I didn't think it really mattered. Growing up in a religious household, it just wasn't an option.

I spent a lot of my life following a path designed to gain approval from the important people in my life. Acceptable schooling, friends, jobs, boyfriends. Husband, baby, house. And then, after I'd accomplished all those big, important shoulds, I looked around + realized something was missing: me. And those passions I was pursuing? Those were mostly in the name of getting approval. Which is so not the way I want to be living! And certainly not what I want to model for my daughter.

I'm gay. Growing myself to the point where I no longer have to ignore that fact has kind of been the last immense step of working on my need for approval. This revelation brings both huge relief + heartbreak. I'm so very sorry to everyone this has hurt, including me.

I won't go into everything I've worked on the past few years, by myself + with Rob. It's been excruciatingly painful + hard + obvious + amazing + wonderful... so many different things all at the same time. And it continues to be that way. We are good friends + hope to remain that way for as long as we both breathe. We are, first + foremost, loving parents to Leah. But we are separating so we can all live fuller, more honest lives.

Our families are sad, but largely supportive. Leah understands that sometimes her parents are upset, but we love each other + we love her. We'll be staying in the same house for the near future. We want to take things slowly + deliberately... gently + with love.

So, yeah, I have a girlfriend. A simply incredible woman I never imagined existed. Rob's got some interesting prospects, too. It sounds a little crazy, but that's where we are. New territory. Lots more breathing. Much more life + an abundance of love.

A New Year's benediction

2010-01-04T13:35:00.002-05:00

Transcript:

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books, and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art. Write, or draw, or build, or sing, or live, as only you can.

May your coming year be a wonderful thing, in which you dream both dangerously and outrageously. I hope you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it; that you will be loved, and you will be liked; and you will have people to love and to like in return. And most importantly, because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now, I hope that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind. And I hope that somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

Christmas photos

2009-12-29T09:41:00.004-05:00

... and a few videos from our morning at home are here.

Leah had a blast... loving her dog from Santa (incredulous that he actually knew what she wanted!), playing with her new marble run, dressing up as a flower fairy, eating raspberries + pancakes, trying on new clothes, and hearing the voices of her aunt + cousins coming from a card.

She keeps asking when Christmas will be coming again. The day after tomorrow? The next day?

Ride On, Santa

2009-12-24T12:10:00.007-05:00

Christmas is low-key this year. No cards. No real traveling... just plans to visit with some of Rob's family in NYC tomorrow afternoon. Gifts for kids only on my side of the fam; charitable donations on his. Much more relaxing this way! We can concentrate on the food + Leah, which is the way it should be, eh?

The soundtrack this year includes Bob Dylan's crazy new Christmas album + my personal fave, The Priestess & The Fool's Ride On, Santa. Click the picture of their album to get your own free download of holiday ear candy.

Merry Christmas!

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

2009-12-19T08:45:00.002-05:00

With Johnny Depp + Helena Bonham Carter... bliss! March can't get here soon enough.

Anthem

2009-12-17T10:39:00.008-05:00

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

- Leonard Cohen

Sleeping babe

2009-12-17T10:34:00.001-05:00

Last night Leah woke up... with a nightmare, possibly? And a need to pee, and for a story. So I comforted her, took her to the bathroom, and read her a book. She nestled against me, with her head on my chest, falling asleep before the book was over. I finished it, anyway.

The feel of her sleeping against me is one of the sweetest things I've experienced in this life. What a gift she is.

Andrea Gibson: Say Yes

2009-12-15T16:50:00.003-05:00

Hair independence

2009-12-14T10:44:00.005-05:00

Despite her often-stated goal of growing her hair long, Leah has started cutting it.

First she lopped off the bangs (and the side of her hair) on the right side of her head. And then, a few days later, she took care of the left side. Both times behind her closed bedroom door, with her purple safety scissors... with the free hair deposited in her pencil box.

Which is great, really. She's happy + I don't have to try to do it or take her to the hair salon! Who cares if it's not perfect? DIY, baby...

More beauty

2009-12-02T10:35:00.007-05:00

Going through some hard things (along with some beautiful things... a funny combination) that I don't want to write about here, so I'm going to be concentrating on the beauty I find instead. This one is by Julie Evans.

Found on a bathroom wall this weekend

2009-12-01T15:04:00.001-05:00

Good words!

Bob Dylan is insane

2009-11-24T17:23:00.002-05:00

... but I like him that way. The first time I saw this, I was kinda horrified. And now it's stuck in my head, dammit. So I thought I'd help stick it in yours. Or horrify you, whatever.

Carwatching

2009-11-23T23:28:00.003-05:00

On the way home from picking up a turkey today, Leah announced that we were 'car-watching' (like bird watching?) and proceeded to tell me what kind of expression each car she spied had on its "face."

That one's happy!

Sad.

Mean.

Happy!

And so on. Which made me happy + highly amused.

FRESH the movie

2009-11-11T10:29:00.009-05:00

This is the next movie I want to see. It looks similar to Food, Inc. - with some of the same people in it, even. But FRESH seems more focused on solutions, and on the joy of connection with the food we eat.

There's a screening tomorrow night in Morristown, NJ. Wish I could go!

This morning, unprompted

2009-11-09T10:29:00.001-05:00

"Mom, what are you thankful for?"

"I'm thankful for you!"

"I'm thankful for Gracie* and you. And Daddy." (big grin on her face)

Melt.

*Gracie is her friend.

Halloween

2009-11-03T00:00:00.017-05:00

A few weeks ago she wanted to dress like this:

but just before we left for a Halloween/birthday party (for a sweet baby Adelaide) ended up - after several changes - dressing like this:

I think she was a princess, but she didn't specify. I love that she didn't wear what she was supposed to wear, but invented what felt right to her at the moment. Love that girl!

(Trick or treating at her friends Luke + Jude's house later that night. Photo by Ken Murray.)

Mother of the Tree

2009-10-26T09:09:00.018-04:00

A new one from one of my favorite artists, Madeline von Foerster. This piece really speaks to me... such a beautiful concept brought to life in a gorgeous painting. Her words are below.

TSARIWA MAMA (The Mother of the Tree)
2009, Oil and Egg Tempera on Panel
30 x 40 inches; 76 x 102.5 cm

This painting was inspired by my trip to the Peruvian Amazon. In addition to seeing many beautiful plants and animals (examples of which are included in the painting), I was given a chance to meet and interview a 78 year old shaman from the Cokama tribe. With our travel guide George acting as an interpreter, I asked the shaman, Junaito, to describe some challenges he might confront while making his medicines. His response was extremely enlightening.

Juanito said that each plant or tree has a mother spirit, and this spirit must be consulted, and her wishes followed, before the plant can be harvested -- otherwise the plant might harm him, or the person he intends to treat. As an example of the demands of a plant's mother spirit, he mentioned Cat's Claw vine (Uncaria guianensis, used to heal women after childbirth and treat cancer, depicted in the bottom left of the painting). According to Juanito, the mother spirit of the Cat's Claw vine requires him to follow a special diet for four years, before he can harvest it! (I did some follow up research on that plant and discovered that it has allergic properties -- so it is entirely possible that the special diet counteracts those).

I found the concept of a tree's mother spirit to express a beautiful and touching attitude towards nature and medicine. Moreover, in a strange case of synchronicity, the image corresponded to a drawing I had made the night before, of a carved wooden woman with a tree growing out of her abdomen. (I was inspired by the fecundity of the rainforest, and how fallen trees "mother" new life, assisted by busy invertebrate midwives.) Developing the image, I decided this tree, and it's "mother," would be Cumaru (Dipteryx odorata). The Cumaru's pink blossoms produce a spice called tonka bean, and the tree also has medicinal purposes. However, it is most prized for its hard grained, beautifully golden wood -- for which reason the tree has been very severely logged throughout the Amazon.

In naming the painting, I contacted George to see if he could find out how to say "The Mother of the Tree" in the Cokama language. He was kind enough to obtain this information for me, and so, in a language, and from a tribe, who are both nearly extinct, comes a title for a painting very far away: "Tsariwa Mama."

Lazy Sunday

2009-10-25T16:33:00.011-04:00

It is a freaking gorgeous autumn day today! Brilliant sun... enflaming yellow, orange, and red -topped trees against a vibrant blue sky.

Bliss.

Digging Roots: Spring To Come

2009-10-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

Yum!

Good words

2009-10-22T12:44:00.003-04:00

"Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allowing ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion; to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance."

- Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chodron

Oooh, this is good.

Dealing with uncertainty is something I've always struggled with; or rather - against. Realizing I don't have to fight against my fear is such a relief. I can sit with it... ask it questions... maybe even make friends with it instead.

Stars in our eyes

2009-10-21T11:03:00.005-04:00

This morning I woke up reaaallly early to see the Orionid meteor shower, an annual event "created when Earth passes through trails of comet debris left in space long ago by Halley's Comet."

Shooting stars made of burning comet dust. So small: grain-of sand to pea-sized, and so far away, yet visible against our enormous dark sky. If you don't blink.

How amazing is it that these tiny particles are revealed to us in such a big way? It makes me wonder about all the less visible but ultimately momentous things we might miss if we're not looking. I don't want to miss any of them.

Chocolate muffins!

2009-10-20T10:20:00.008-04:00

This weekend the girl + I made muffins that I can EAT! Gluten-free, dairy-free, and cane sugar-free! Delicious, too. Hurrah!

Expression of a life

2009-10-16T14:08:00.013-04:00

I feel the need (the want?) to post this, from Zen Habits. I find it so compelling... a beautiful way to look at the lives we lead.

Life is Poetry

Express your joy, in every syllable of your life.

'My life is my message.' - Gandhi

Each of us lives a life that expresses who we are, reacts to the world around us, shows our passions, reflects our deep river of feeling and being.

We might sing out in joy, through our words and actions and expressions, we might hide in fear and pain, we might lash out in anger. Every thing we do, everything we are, expresses.

Gandhi’s message was his life, and yours is your life. What message are you giving the world, through your actions, how you live, how you treat others, what you accomplish, how you choose to be, every moment of every day?

Are you an angry rant? A ballad? An epic poem?

Perhaps a sonnet, a limerick, a haiku?

If your life is a poem, what do you want it to say? What would you rather leave out? What will the essence be?

Enjoy each moment as the perfect syllable, recognize the lyrical in the everyday, and sink your teeth softly into that cold delicious fruit.

—

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Update on the bees

2009-10-13T17:32:00.006-04:00

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote about a documentary called Vanishing of the Bees. Well, it's just been released in the UK. Here soon, I hope!

Six

2009-10-12T11:19:00.009-04:00

That's how many large garbage bags we filled yesterday with Leah's "old" things. Stuffed animals, baby toys, booster highchair, sippy cups, tiny plates + utensils, bibs, baby blankets, crib + toddler bed sheets... All these things she once used intimately, but never will again.

And this morning we gave them away, along with many other bags of our own clothes + household items.

A bittersweet experience, getting rid of all that stuff. Because it's just stuff, on one hand... but also a whole host of sweet baby memories we can no longer hold in our hands. (Of course I kept the important things, like the tiny outfit + blanket she was wrapped in coming home from the hospital.)

It's funny... I'm not sad because we'll never have another baby. I'm sad because we'll never have a baby Leah again. Which is actually pretty great.

Now we can see our way to the back of our attic - to the boxes we forgot to unpack when we moved in 3.5 years ago. I wonder if we need any of those things?

Sliding into fall

2009-10-06T13:38:00.014-04:00

I have been SO distracted by fall!

I usually look warily at this season as the sad killer of summer + dreaded precursor to winter.

But.

This year, I am in love with the season.

Lots of bird-watching from various windows, playtime with the girl, reading on the sun porch, apple picking (and birthday-celebratin') with northern family. Even a night out with the man.

Good times. (Look out - I may have just jinxed us into an early winter!)

In my ears, in my head

2009-09-28T21:47:00.017-04:00

Leah's current favorite ear candy: The Fixer, from Pearl Jam's brand-new album Backspacer. She calls it "The Yeah Yeah Song", and asks to hear it every single time we're in the car. Heh.

Me? I'm loving Unthought Known, which also happens to be a concept I came across recently + haven't been about to put out of mind. I've worked hard to uncover a few of my own unthought knowns in the past few years, and now - a beautiful song!

From Embeddedness, Reflection, Mindfulness and the Unthought Known by Michael Robbins:

What then is the “unthought known”? Christopher Bollas first coined this provocative phrase in 1987 (Bollas, 1987). Basically it refers to what we “know” but for a variety of reasons may not be able to think about, have “forgotten”, “act out”, or have an “intuitive sense for” but cannot yet put into words. In psychoanalytic terms, it refers to the boundary between the “unconscious” and the “conscious” mind, i.e. the “preconscious mind.” In systems-centered terms, it refers to the boundary between what we know apprehensively, without words, and what we know, or will allow ourselves to know, comprehensively with words.

When we turn our mindful attention to our bodies we begin to uncover knowledge and experience that has been buried for many years. When we make old, fixated patterns of tension conscious we begin to dissolve blockages in the flow of energy and information at multiple levels of our bodies and mind. As this energy and information begins to flow, we begin to decode the non-verbal information in our present here and now environment as well as release energy and information that we may have compartmentalized at some point in our past. Historically, it may have been important to wall off this knowledge because to have allowed ourselves to truly know our experience at the time would have been disruptive and perhaps even dangerous.

Another source of uncovering the unthought known is to explore the repetitive roles that we act out in our interpersonal relationships and the corresponding redundant roles that we induce in others. When we release the energy and information that is held in these roles, we travel a long way towards the goal of liberating ourselves from unconscious fixations and patterns. Once we have done this we are free to choose the roles that are adaptive for the situation that we are in at the moment and release the roles that are maladaptive.

Perhaps the deepest level of the unthought known is the heart of the teachings of mindfulness meditation. The heart of these teachings, which we know already but have forgotten, is that fundamentally we are awareness itself, already liberated from our fixations, fears and redundancies, without essential content, beyond subject and object, everything and nothing, and that whatever we are in life we also are not. This is the “non-dual” consciousness at the heart of so many mystical and meditative traditions (Wilber, 2003). In other words, the deepest level of the unthought known and the edge of the unknown, are the same thing.

All the thoughts,... You never see,... You’re always thinking,...
Brain is wired,... Brain is deep,... Oh are you sinking?,...

Feel the path of every day,... Which road you taking?,...
Breathing hard,... & Making hay,... Yeh this is living,...

Look for love & evidence,... That you’re worth keeping,...
Swallowed whole in negatives,... It's so sad & sickening,...

Feel the air up above,... A pool of blue sky,...
Fill the air up with love,... Black w/starlight,...

Feel the sky blanket you,... w/gems & rhinestones,...
See the path cut by the moon,... For you to walk on,...
For you to walk on,...

Nothing left,... Nothing left,...
Nothing there,... Nothing left,...

See the path cut by the moon,... For you to walk on,...
See the waves on distant shores,... Awaiting your arrival,...

Dream the dreams of other men,... You’ll be no one's rival,...
Dream the dreams of others then,... You will be no one's rival,...
You will be no one's rival,...

A distant time,... A distant space,... That’s where we’re living —..
A distant time,... A distant place,... So what you giving?,...
What you giving?

Home/work

2009-09-23T16:41:00.005-04:00

I'm currently at work, pining for this past weekend... for the relaxation + gorgeous weather + time spent w/ people I love. On Saturday I met up with a good friend in the city + took her along to my tattoo appointment, which was lovely + low-key. And one of the best things about the day after being tattooed is having an excellent excuse to be lazy. (Although, really, no one should never need an excuse.)

So I got my lazy on by relaxing on the freshly painted sun porch, reading a large portion a great book, and having my legs "tattooed" with dry-erase marker by the girl. Ahhhh... Rob was down in his studio with some boys, working on a record, but me? I was in my tree.

And here we are in the middle of the school/work week again. Speaking of which, here's Leah doing some "homework". I love that girl. Also? Glad my last name's only 5 letters long!

WHARRGARBL

2009-09-20T22:11:00.001-04:00

Just in time for this weekend...

2009-09-16T21:38:00.006-04:00

Some pictures from last weekend, at the Union County Music Fest. Leah went on her first ride and rocked out to Glenn Tilbrook (from The Squeeze). We also caught the last few minutes of the incredible They Might Be Giants. Almost 20 years after I first heard 'em. Damn.

After-dinner turtle

2009-09-09T11:16:00.001-04:00

Paint

2009-09-08T11:49:00.010-04:00

Last week Leah brought home a decorated vase from school

Which she felt compelled to show the painters, who arrived on Saturday

To wrap the back,

And then front of the house in a giant blue cocoon!

Mary

2009-09-05T13:32:00.006-04:00

Having some time to kill before my train out of the city last night, I decided to just browse at the Borders above Penn Station. Instead, I boarded the train not only with snacks-as-dinner, but a new Mary Oliver book. Oops. But! Red Bird, her 2nd-newest collection of poetry, is sublime. A taste:

Percy* and Books (Eight)

Percy does not like it when I read a book.
He puts his face over the top of it and moans.
He rolls his eyes, sometimes he sneezes.
The sun is up, he says, and the wind is down.
The tide is out and the neighbor's dogs are playing.
But Percy, I say. Ideas! The elegance of language!
The insights, the funniness, the beautiful stories
that rise and fall and turn into strength, or courage.

Books? says Percy. I ate one once, and it was enough.
Let's go.

* Percy is a dog.

Summer Story

When the hummingbird
sinks its face
into the trumpet vine,
into the funnels

of the blossoms,
and the tongue
leaps out
and throbs,

I am scorched
to realize once again
how many small, available things
are in this world

that aren't
pieces of gold
or power---
that nobody owns

or could buy even
for a hillside of money---
that just
float about the world,

or drift over the fields,
or into the gardens,
and into the tents of the vines,
and now here I am

spending my time,
as the saying goes,
watching until the watching turns into feeling,
so that I feel I am myself

a small bird
with a terrible hunger,
with a thin beak probing and dipping
and a heart that races so fast

it is only a heartbeat ahead of breaking---
and I am the hunger and the assaugement,
and also I am the leaves and the blossoms,
and, like them, I am full of delight, and shaking.

I want to be with the tall, tall trees

2009-09-03T22:04:00.005-04:00

And moss + grass + shaded paths.

I'm thinking a trip needs to be planned here very soon. Am feeling the vacation withdrawal. One little week is not enough!

Big Apple

2009-09-02T00:24:00.005-04:00

She made it out of video patch cables.

Crickets are calling

2009-08-31T22:19:00.009-04:00

When we left NJ, it was summer. And now - home again, beautiful fall is showing her face.

I'm lounging next to a sleeping child, wishing we were still somewhere up north. Home is nice, but this past week away from it has been more relaxing than any vacation in recent memory. So grateful to everyone who made it possible! And tired, but in a very good way.

The rest of the pictures are here. I'm off to sleep before starting back to work in the morning. In September!

Vermont, ho!

2009-08-26T22:34:00.008-04:00

Desires fulfilled, we are back from a grand - if slightly rainy - day in my birth state. We were greeted immediately off the ferry by sweet VT perfume (cow pooop) + long, windy roads that called for speed.

Here is Leah, contemplating a dead wasp on her father's plate after a delicious lunch.

Back at the lake, the sun broke through + called for swimming, a late dinner, and chocolate ice cream with raspberries (that even I could eat)! Yummm. Tomorrow we leave for Massachusetts to stay with my sister's family for a few days. More vacation... I could get used to this.

Spelunkin'

2009-08-25T23:39:00.011-04:00

The weather turned out bright + sunny after a small patch of rain, and we had a grand 'ol time exploring caves. The area was so beautiful, full of rocks + water + moss + plants... all sorts of things to climb over. Pretty much my favorite things, all in one place. Pictures here.

Today my mom ("Gram") arrived for a visit. I have to say, I really like these revolving-door visits with family: more informal, yet better one-on-one time. Swimming, boat ride, blackberry picking, building hamsters w/ Legos, and finally Gram was asked to read a book about the birds 'n bees before bedtime. Haha!

Tomorrow we're taking the ferry in nearby Ticonderoga to Middlebury, VT, where my only desires are to eat at Tully + Marie's and browse at a used bookstore.

And now, there are an amazing variety of teeny-tiny little bugs all over my laptop screen + getting in my face, so I'm gonna go + shut down the Screen of Fascinating Light. Sorry, bugs!

Living After Midnight

2009-08-23T22:50:00.007-04:00

Here we are, at the lake! We took our sweet time packing yesterday, not getting on the road until after 7pm. Which was bliss. So relaxing. Leah fell asleep before we stopped for dinner, allowing us to blast Judas Priest through 2 states + a raging thunderstorm. We arrived sometime around 1am, which is about when I'd be falling asleep, anyway. Perfect trip.

Today was fun + relaxing... late breakfast, reading the paper (on the internets), golf cart ride, reading, grocery run, swimming. And then my brother Dave showed up at the door just before dinner! Fabulous surprise!

Here are some shots + a silly video from today (yeah, I cut my hair). Tomorrow we're hoping to go here if too-much-rain doesn't keep us corralled inside. Vacation!!

She's Got To Be

2009-08-22T11:37:00.010-04:00

For my birthday, I got myself + the Robster tickets to see Amy Ray @ the Mercury Lounge in NYC. The woman is truly amazing... an incredible force of talent, intellect, and heart. The night was one of the best concerts of my life. Not a bad way to start a new year!

35

2009-08-20T10:48:00.017-04:00

I'm starting to like this getting-older thing. Life as I know it keeps getting better!

Last week I started reading my four-year-old blog from the beginning. Which was like finding a ridiculously old diary: cringe-worthy + a little bit funny (though not funny enough to read it again).

I can't say I could identify with the person I was, but I understood where she was coming from + felt compassion for where she was in her life. She went through that all-consuming new-baby stage, depression + anger re: reconciling her new world with the old, and then finally learned to strike a balance + start living her life. Yeah!

Balance is fabulous. Growing into ourselves, also fabulous. I can't wait to see what this new year brings. :)

My little sister is here!

2009-08-16T18:46:00.006-04:00

Picnic dinner at the town pool last night, blueberry pancakes this morning + then back to the pool. Fresh corn, tomatoes, and pasta tonight. And another whole day tomorrow! I love that she's here... and I'm definitely not the only one. Feels more like summer with family.

It Might Get Loud

2009-08-14T12:27:00.005-04:00

Here's another one I'm dying to see. Opens today in NY + LA.

"A documentary on the electric guitar from the point of view of three rock legends": Jack White, The Edge, and Jimmy Page. Heaven!

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

2009-08-11T14:25:00.002-04:00

This looks a-mazing! Cannot freaking wait. A film by Terry Gilliam, who describes the premise as a "fun and humorous story about the consequences of our personal choices in life." From Wikipedia:

"Christopher Plummer, Tom Waits, and Heath Ledger star in the film, though Ledger's death one-third of the way through filming caused production to be temporarily suspended. Ledger's role was recast with Johnny Depp, Jude Law, and Colin Farrell portraying transformations of Ledger's character Tony as he travels through a dream world."

Sleeping patterns of the 4-year-old Bean

2009-08-10T21:57:00.006-04:00

We've never been sticklers for when/where/how she sleeps. We figure as long as she does sleep + everyone's happy, who cares about the details?

Lately she's been sleeping on a cot next to her own bed, or sometimes even in her bed. Tonight... she's sleeping on her yoga mat. Next to her bed. Such a funny one, she is!

Morning painting (one in a series)

2009-08-10T11:25:00.007-04:00

(By Leah, not me!)